H3.

                If I had the chance to go back in time, I don’t know if I would do it. It seems like if you do anything it will change the future. However in a scenario where it wouldn’t change the future, I would go to the time of the Mayan Empire. It seems like a stupid thing to want to do because there was no electricity and I don’t speak their language. Still, I would bring high powered guns and modern technology and find a small village on the outskirts of civilization. Armed with only spears and wooden shields they would have to surrender and accept me as a god. I would be a firm, but loving god, and once a year they would have to offer a sacrifice to me. OK not really that’s weird. Honestly what were the Mayans thinking? It probably took the gods a while to create the people and animals they sacrificed. If I was a god I wouldn’t want people to kill and send back something I literally just made for them. That’s just insulting. It would be like that one time I bought myself a goldfish, and my grandmother’s cat, which we were pet sitting, took it out of its bowl and dropped it at my feet. I had to work really hard to get that fish and the stupid cat killed it and gave it back as if it were a present. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. I would have giant temples built in my honor. Festivals with music, games and a lot of food would be held several times per year. At my palace, two beautiful women would feed me my daily feast as I sit on my throne. Imagine Jabba the Hutt’s setup, that’s kind of how it would be. All would be perfect in the land of Mattropolis, at least until the Spanish come.

G2.

                The other day someone asked me what I would do if I had 100 million dollars. Ok that’s a lie, but I was thinking about it the other day. Alright, alright, that too is a lie. I really stole the idea from Leyton. Anyway, there are a couple of things I would do if I had that much money. I would first have the mortgage on my house paid off. Next I would buy myself a really nice car for when I get my driver’s license in a few years. I’d either get a Mustang or an older Corvette. Another thing I would want to do is buy a boat. Boats are good not only for disposing of bodies, but for fishing and hanging out in the summer. With some of this money I would pay for college for both me and my brother. I would frequently go to Bills games and Yankees games. I’ve always wanted to see the Yankees play in New York. I’d also go to a lot of concerts. The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jack White, The Black Keys and Sublime are a few bands I would go to see. I would like to travel a lot too. New York City, France, Quebec, and Germany are some of the places I would go to. For some reason my grandma has always wanted to go to Scotland, so I would pay for her to go there. 100 million dollars is more money than I really need, so I would give a large sum of it to a number of charities. A large portion of my money would be put into a safe bank account so that I don’t spend too much of it. When I grow up I would have a huge house with a pool. That’s what I would do if I had 100 million dollars.

G1.

                Elf is one of the greatest Christmas movies to have ever been made. Yes, it is even better than A Christmas Story. This movie is about an orphan, named Buddy, who is accidentally kidnapped by Santa Clause as a baby. He spends the next thirty or so years living among Santa’s elves. Eventually, he learns that he is not an elf, but a human and embarks on a journey to find his biological father in New York City, who happens to be on the naughty list. Buddy soon finds out that New York City is much different from the North Pole and has a hard time adjusting to its culture. What contributes to this movie’s greatness is that Buddy the Elf is played by Will Farrell. To me, Will Farrell was perfect in this movie because he is so ridiculous. He seems to have no problem with acting like a child in his movies, and that is why he is one of my favorite actors. My favorite part was when Buddy got into a fight with a mall Santa. Here’s how it happened: the mall where Buddy worked hired a man dressed as Santa Clause to entertain the kids while their parents shopped. As Buddy approached him, he realized that he was a fake and called him out on it in front of at least fifty kids. Then he stole his beard which led the fake Santa to tackle him into a large table of Legos. The fight quickly escalated, which resulted in Buddy getting fired and banned from the store. I also liked the part where he got into a fight with a little person, and lost, after accusing him of being and elf. It is arguable that Elf is the single greatest Christmas movie of al time.

G3.

                The Walking Dead is one of my favorite shows. Almost everybody I know watches it. If you happen to watch it then you will know that Darrel is commonly the favorite character. However in the finale of season two they introduced a new character. She is a tall skinny woman named Mishone, who is a border line ninja. She even has her own katana. Her mastery in the art of killing zombies is equal to that of Darrel’s. This leads me to wonder who is better: Mishone or Darrel. Since the first season Darrel was my favorite character. He slaughters any zombies that come in his way and feels no remorse for it. Mishone, on the other hand, stabbed The Governor in the eye with a giant shard of glass. The scene couldn’t have been better. Mishone found The Governor’s daughter locked in a cage in his office. She soon found out that the little girl was a zombie. Before she could kill it The Governor walked in the room and begged her not to do it. Remembering how he sent out a team of people to kill her, she looked him right in the eyes as she stabbed her through the mouth. After several minutes of fighting with him she managed to stab him in the eye with a five inch shard of glass and run away. Then again, Darrel got shot in the head after falling off of a cliff… twice. Honestly I don’t know who is better. I think they that if they can escape their current predicament, they should get together and make a super baby who will single handedly rid the world of zombies.

                For my next blog I will write about who I think the worst characters are…….. Just kidding it’s still Carl.

F4.

                Cats are the worst animals to have ever domesticated. Why did people even do it in the first place? How could they have possibly been useful to ancient man? It’s not like they were great for protection. Picture yourself living in a prehistoric, nomadic tribe. Now imagine that one night you’re all siting around a fire when another tribe comes and attacks you, and all you have are a bunch of useless cats. And to make things worse these people were smart and tamed a pack of those ancient wolf-dogs that probably had bear genes mixed into their DNA. Now it’s a classic battle between cats and dogs. What could your cats do to help you? Nothing, the answer is nothing at all. While you and all of the important members of the tribe are fending off the hoard of attackers and their wolf-bear-dogs, all of the cats peed in you tent and ran away. Now fast forward 12,000 years. You’re sitting at home, all alone when a couple of armed burglars break into your house. You have no guns around, but you do happen to have a cat. So what do you do? You call the police and hide under your bed where you find out that your cat took a dump in your shoes before fleeing the scene. So here you are hiding under your bed, thinking you’re going to die, the smell of poop is overwhelming and you begin to think: “What if I had gotten a dog instead?” What if you had gotten a dog instead? So now I want you to imagine the same scenario, but instead of a cat, you have a dog. So what would Lassie do? Lassie would tear that guy’s face off.  But as I am typing this I’m looking at my dogs and thinking that they would never do any of this. Honestly, the best pet to have is a goldfish; they don’t eat much, they stay out of the way and they won’t poop in your shoes. 

F2.

My top three favorite movies are Die Hard, Step Brothers and Anchorman. Die Hard is about a NYC cop who flew out to Los Angeles to see his wife, but when he gets there, he soon gets caught up in a hostage situation and must fight German terrorist… without any shoes. It is one of my favorite movies for a lot of reasons. My main reason for liking it, however, is that like all other 80’s action movies it has at least twenty good one-liners, such as “yippee ki ay….” The first Die Hard movie was really the only good one though. There weren’t any good ones after that.

                My second favorite movie is Step Brothers.  It is about two grown men who live with their parents and must live together after one’s father marries the other’s mother. At first both men can’t stand each other, so they play tricks on each other to prove who the alpha male is. My favorite scene was when they both went into an interview for a job cleaning bathrooms, wearing tuxedoes. Needless to say they both failed miserably. Will Farrel, wqho played Brennan Huff, was perfect for this movie because it was an excuse for him to act like a man-child, something he does best.

                My third favorite is another Will Farrel movie called Anchor Man. This one is about a 1970’s news crew that only consists of men, but because of changing times the station decided to add a female news caster to co-host the news with Will Farrel. My favorite part was when all of the guys from Will Farrel’s TV station got in a street fight with the guys from other stations. Steve Carrell’s character, Brick, even killed a couple people with a grenade and a trident. Out of four stars I would give this movie three and a half.

F1.

                My favorite book is A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. It is about a fifteen year old boy named Alex who is a member of a street gang in futuristic England. They would go out at night and steal, fight and drink. Eventually his gang turned on him and left him for the police after an unsuccessful home invasion.  He was then arrested and sentenced to 14 years in a harsh prison. After two years in jail, Alex was offered a chance to get out early. All he had to do was go through an experimental “reform treatment” and he would be set free. Not knowing what he had gotten himself into, he agreed to the terms and began the treatment. The purpose of the treatment was to strap him into a chair and force him to watch ultraviolent videos that were played with the music of Mozart and Beethoven for several hours each day until he became sick. Once the treatment was complete they would send him back into society and if he heard classical music or came into contact with anything violent, he would become violently sick and incapable of misbehaving, and that’s exactly what happened to him. Later in the book, Alex becomes homeless and finds himself living in the house of a man whose wife was murdered by him and his gang. The man soon found out who Alex was and locked him a room where he was exposed to classical music. The pain it made him feel caused him to jump from the window in an attempt to kill himself. He ended up surviving the fall and learned at the hospital that the people who gave him the “reform treatment” had undid it. For a short time Alex went back to his old ways, but realized that it was time to give it up and start a new life.

                What I liked about A Clockwork Orange was that it was suspenseful, adventurous and full of danger and violence. However, what I didn’t like about it was the slang the characters invented because it made the book difficult to read.